Sorry I have been away. After all that dirt that got stirred up again (you know him calling my Dad blah, blah, blah!!) I've been doing a lot of traveling to see my family (It was my birthday this week and could not bare hanging out in my ghetto neighborhood all by myself!!) and a LOT of hating (hate talking, hate e-mailing, hate dreaming)... Man!... I don't know, maybe it's just a lot of pain disguise in hate. It's such a draining feeling. Maybe I am fairly angry because he had the balls to be so coward! That's right, as crazy as this may sound...
I've been trying to finish the story "Game Over" that I started almost two months ago but I've been physically (literally) unable to do so. Right now, every time I think about the "wonderful relationship" with Mr. P I gag, feel nauseous... I just don't know from where am I going to get the strength to keep on going on with my life. I had forgotten how much hatred can be felt for someone once so dear... "I'm a good person I'm a good person" I tell myself everyday but being deprived from saying, face to face, the things I wanted to say, has proven, once again, too much to bare.
The other day I was talking with a new friend I manage to make on the 4th. of July ( of course after one too many margaritas I spilled the beans about my blog... not the best first "getting to know you" conversation). Tate pointed out, after reading my blog, that it almost seems like I'm obsess with my ex since I live in a such vibrant city with so many things to do and so many other people to talk about... And it got me thinking (and a bit concerned)... Do I really sound like the typical crazy woman? WOW! Reality check!! (always appreciated though).
Somehow (after doing a lot of thinking) I arrived on the following thought: if I was a guy, talking about the same things I talk about here, girls would love me sooo much I could get laid with a different one every night for sure!!! Handsome guys (If I were a guy I would be drop dead gorgeous!!) with broken hearts are such a catch. Beautiful girls (you know I'm pretty:-) with broken hearts are often misjudged (I think)... Anyhow, this is besides the point. The REAL point I'm trying to make here is that somehow along the way I failed to mention -sooner- a small but very important detail which is that I moved to New York BECAUSE of my ex. And if you think about it, a lot of my pain, anger, craziness, solitude, etc, etc. make a LOT of sense (Once I'm able to finish "Game Over" this feelings will make much more sense... hopefully). If I was still living in Los Angeles, where I was happy and comfortable on my own, it would have been waaayyyy easier. I guess it never crossed my mind that we were going to break up. Cocky of me... or just frigging "I'm sooo in love" stupidity... Stronzo di Merda!!! I should have seen it coming. I have no excuse... It's like LG happening all over again!
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