Fast Perfect Puppy

I believe that we have become an "instant gratification" type of society. In almost everything we see and almost everywhere we go you can find examples of this: "The instant miniskirt workout", "See results in 30 days or your money back... Guaranteed!!!", "It's my money and I want it NOW!!"... And then of course we got the express line, express lane, fast food, fast relieve, all inclusive, ATM, high speed Internet, microwave, 15 min dinner, 3 min at night, etc, etc, etc. And like you I love most of this stuff. Technology -progress- has made our lives much more easier and yet, our minds seem to want/like/need complicated.

Last week Mr. P called my dad... MY DAD! If you are not Mexican you should know that calling The Father is not a slight thing to do. For us signifies more than want I can put down in words... Apparently Mr. P just wanted to find out if I was doing well since we had cut any type of communication for months. When my father, which happens to be the coolest dad in the whole wide word, called me to tell me about the brief chat; I started crying immediately. The only thing my Dad was able to tell me (we talked for about four min.) was that I should talk with Mr. P.
For two days I actually did not know what to do with that information, it was like the Pandora box broke open and I wanted to know, needed to know its contents... So I text him, offer a truce, and told him we needed to talk. In person. I'm not going to lie to you, something in my heart lit up. I've been in the dark for so long that I needed to follow this spark of light... but soon it was put out. Mr. P just wanted to stay in touch with me through e-mail, to make sure that "I'm doing well" regardless of how upset I am with him. He could not talk to me nor see me yet. He's been "missing me so much" that did not want to send me mixed messages... The so called "soul I'm in love with" can be truly cruel. When we broke up I pointed out that he liked complicated. Even simple tasks he would turned them into something. And probably this is why he was always looking for something wrong in me or to work on me... since I enjoy simple things in life and cannot function with complicated. His response? "Maybe I don't need a puppy that is going to roll over every time I say so..."

I'm not so far from Mr. P. I complicate my mind/life by wanting to be in love with his soul, by not moving on. But, with all my heart and strength I got left tell you this: I REFUSE to be his instant message gratification. I REFUSE to his forever and ever terms and conditions. I REFUSE to stay in touch with someone who is not willing and able, even if I "love" his soul...

I'm back to square one, but knowing this: I'm NO ONE'S PUPPY!!!

The Way To The Soul

How do you get over someone's soul? I beg of you!! Tell me!! (mexican drama...) I need to know how.

A few weeks ago a dear friend from Mexico and her boyfriend were visiting New York. I was able to see them the night before they left for a yoga camp somewhere in New Mexico (I think). After a few wine glasses the conversation steered to my favorite topic: My big old fat frigging break-up of course! Even after three months every time this topic comes up I cannot help but to cry a little, you know, get a little choked up and a shed a couple of tears (believe it or not I am making progress with the crying thing). I guess my blunt sincerity about my feelings and doings AND most importantly, the similarities between the relationships (you know, she's Mexican, I'm Mexican, he is American, my ex too...) made them feel comfortable enough to share their own problems in their relationship with me. It was enlightening to hear them talk. Somehow, even with their big differences, huge I should say, they have found common ground. And why have them found this common ground? Because she knows he is a good person, and he is in love with her soul. IN LOVE WITH HER SOUL! He actually said those exact words!! Damn yogis!! (not really)... my progress about crying back pedaled all the way back to freaking March when I used to cry because the FLY flied by!!
It's easy to like someone, but to actually like and love someone's soul... that belongs to a first division game level.

Now that all my anger is almost gone I've come to realize that I was in love with Mr. P's soul. I'm still in love with his soul. He was far from perfect and we had differences but nothing that we could not work out... that was what I thought anyway.
Realizing the above has been harsh. Let's face it. I'm in deep shit. Going out with me is no joke. I compare everything and everyone with Mr. P. I used to think I was picky but know I have a whole new repertoire of no nos, some learned with Mr. P:
-Not recycling (big no no).
-To not care about the waste that is produced (this one is looong and it has many subtopics).
-To not watch documentaries.
-Not being interested in human behavior (also subtopics).
-Not having consideration (also long, also subtopics).
-To not care for organic foods.
-To invite me to sushi days after watching "The cove" with me!!!! (still no sushi for me), etc, etc, etc.

Do I really got a chance?... Or someone?

Another One Down!

Human connexions are lost everyday, and sometimes the ending isn't pretty... or should I say "NEVER pretty".
My "friendship" with T.J. (remember him from the oxytocine post) ended today. Officially. And it wasn't pretty!.
About a year ago, after T.J gave me a workout session, we became "friends" And I keep saying "friends/friendship" between quotes because he was more of an acquaintance to me. Never outside of the gym, just with the occasional texting right after chatting. In my mind a friendship was ruled out almost immediately. The reason? He liked me to be more than a friend.

Right after Mr. P and I went caputs, my relationship with T.J. quickly grew outside of the gym. He gave me his undivided attention (needless to explain how much I love receiving WANTED attention... a baby child thing I suppose). There were phone calls, texts, dinners, etc, etc,... (no hanky panky though!)... The problem with all this attention was (there is no better way to say it really) that it was coming from T.J. I wanted attention, needed attention, but from someone else. There were no butterflies in my stomach, no desire, no curiosity, no nada frankly... Often times I question myself: why couldn't I like him in that way? He gave me all the right attention and said, pretty much, all the right things... and still, I was not feeling it. As the time passed by, also realized that I could not maintain the friendship any longer (for various reasons)... How do you tell someone, without an apparent reason, that you no longer wish to stay friends?... so I decided to do what a normal grown-up does... HIDE!. How did I hide? By being short in any type of communications we had (texts mostly) and by being busy. REALLY busy.

I believe that we are all capable of feeling when someone is hiding something, lying or just not being completely forthcoming. He knew something was up, and I, by not wanting to explain myself, made the situation a little sticky. He basically called it on me... by text of course (Don't you love the 21st. Century technology... frigging annoying!!). I could try to defend myself and say that he was a little out of line. We only had been "friends" for a short period of time anyway so, why did I have to explain myself?. He could have called me to tell me what he thought instead of texting me about it (I'm not a fan of using text messages as a means of communication to have a conversation nor a fight!). He could have been cool about it and just let it go (he is five years older), or could have done, I don't know, whatever!... But you know what? At the end of the day I did kinda lie and I did kinda hide. Showed/gave him attention and, pretty quickly, took it away.

Looking back at his reaction, I couldn't help but to find myself in those actions as well. Doing and reacting in very similar ways when something smelled fishy to me and/or when my mind could not understand the WHY?... So I too am guilty of having behaved annoyingly!-particularly in the months after my breakup-... The only real reason (or excuse... don't know actually) I can think/say in my defense is this: I'd rather have walked away from this "friendship" with my reasons tucked away in my pockets appearing being a bitch, than to be a real bitch.

Movie Quote of the Day

-Do you think I've gone around the bend?

-I'm afraid so. You are mad, bonkers, off your head. But I tell you a secret, all the best people are...

-Alice in Wonderland.

BLOG UPDATE!

The post titled Hot Tamales used to be Game Over Part# 2... Therefore Game Over Part# 2 it's a new post... Don't miss it!

Game Over Part# 2

I've come to realize three important facts:
1.- I'm awesome at dating when I'm not interested on dating.
2.- I'm not too bad at dating when I am introduced to someone.
3.- I'm terrible at dating (bit of a moron at times) when I meet someone randomly.
One of the things I used to do when I first started dating was to double book myself. Juggling with two guys was such a revelation. I remember always been cool, calm and collected. If number one canceled (there is always a #1) there was always #2. And if they were both available, no sweat. One for lunch, the other for dinner (yikes!)... or would cancel one last minute. This worked for me wonderfully and the reason it did, I think, was because in the end I didn't really care... and I had OPTIONS!
When I first started dating my ex, Mr. P; I would still go out on other dates. Don't get me wrong. I liked the guy but my situation was particularly different at that time because:
1.- I didn't completely care about dating yet.
2.- I had been happy AND single for the longest time (thanks to friends and family).
3.- I had two jobs and worked out religiously (you know, endorphins!)
4.- We did not live in the same city.
The whole thing was so casual that when it became clear that I really liked the guy (OK, 80% liked the guy), my mind started with the what ifs, like: "what if I get hurt" or "what if there is someone better for me out there"... (a.k.a. sabotage). I basically freaked out... and broke up with him...

Hot Tamales

In the last several months I've been asking for something I rarely do: A Peace of Mind.
Normally when I talk to God I ask the usual stuff: "please take care of my family" or "please give me health" and so on. But lately, man, I could really use some Peace of Mind. About four months ago I got into a fight with my best friend of 12 years... I seriously don't want to go into the details (they are as stupid as you can imagine), but I really really thank God that we have been friends for so long. She just stood there and said: "Karlita, I'm not going to get mad. I know you... you are just going through some shitty times..." Of course I spent the next week apologizing to her. Also, about a month ago, I almost ended up at the police station in Acapulco Mexico, because of a traffic violation. I decided to get into an argument with the police officer, not a good idea... EVER! Again, thank God my mother (who was with me along with my Grand Mother) has a boyfriend who happens to be friends with the Chief Police Officer of this town. As soon as she dropped the name things cool off and he, finally, let me go... and without a ticket. Everybody in the car was so scared! My Mother (again thank God... this is getting old!) had the same reaction as my best friend.
The negative side (ok, it's all negative) of this Hot Head I'm sporting is that I'm doing it to the new people in my life... therefore, just as easy as they come, they are gone. And, really, there is no way I'm going to try to convince them that I'm usually not this loquita. So, all I can do is pick up the pieces, apologize, look up, and stay out of their way hoping that one day I would get a second chance to make things right...

Game Over Part#1

To "date" is one of the most difficult things for me to do. Even after being in this country since 2002 the dating scene is an art that I can't seem to be able to master. To me feels like learning another language that without practice is forgotten. Growing up, dating meant having a boyfriend. I never dated the "American way" until after my divorce with LG (short for La Garbage!!) in 2004 (the divorce was actually final in 2005)... kinda late if you ask me. The only time my "dating game" got pretty good -actually awesome- was when I was not interested on dating. It amused me to go out with someone and never call him again... or answer his phone calls! It sounds pretty bad, but what can I say; I had gotten so heart broken that I was done with love... DONE! Made fun of love, couples, corny movies, marriage (for love of course), fidelity... everything that had to do, or was related with love for many years. My only concern was having fun and having, well, just sex (OMG!!). No strings attached. Friendships with benefits. It was a very convenient life... did not have to worry/care about The Other. Just me, me, and me. I couldn't help but to wonder why romantic relationships felt so unnatural to me. I was sure I would never, ever, be able to love again... born alone, die alone was my motto...and still is to some extent... During this time went back to school and threw my self into my books, classes, activities, and also worked super hard (every weekend, Thu- Sun; I would drive for an hour -or more- to Dublin Pleasanton, Northern CA. Park my car, and then ride the Bart for about 1:30 min to SFO to start working at 9:30 am). This period was also filled with uncertainty: I did not know if I was able to stay in this country (I left LG before two years of marriage which are basically REQUIRED by Immigration), so any kind of long commitments were out of the picture. And with all this things going on, little by little; I started getting closer and closer to my immediate family, which was the only type of love and support that I fully understood...

Bumpy Ride

I dread the bus/train ride from work back to my place. The thought of coming back home to an empty bed is, oftentimes, unbearable... it makes me want to jump in front of a moving train!... Sometimes when I'm at the station I like to stand, eyes shut, giving my back to the train tracks. Then, when I hear the train approaching and getting closer to me, I open my eyes, quickly turn around and face it. I like to feel the force of its velocity. I like to feel the wind traveling furiously through my hair, through my skin... I can't help but to wonder how it would be to be gone, just like that... I know I know, pure 100% Mexican soap opera drama nothing less... I guess I'm just another loony lost in New York City... Anyway; I promise I do this safely behind the yellow mark on the platform. Even when I REALLY wanted to check out early, back in 2004 and 05, always knew I couldn't... I did pray every night and asked God to let me not wake up in the morning... and well, still here several years later!! Death thoughts are, by no means, new. I think they go way back to my high school years and go away when I feel I'm the Queen of the hill (such a Sinatra thing to say)... for the most part. They are normal, aren't they? The thought of me dying doesn't scare me really, what scares me is the thought of losing someone.

A friend at work once told me that an abrupt breakup like mine is very much like dealing with death because is gone, over, finito, no mas! It was my decision not to stay in touch and let me tell you, going from having it all to nada, is like flying over the Andes range (Cordillera De Los Andes) in Chile, where sometimes the turbulence is so severe that makes you loose your breath and heart beats... Frigging scary!!