Movie Quote of the Day

-... you cannot live your life to please others; the choice must be yours, because when you step out to face that creature, you will step out alone...

-Alice in Wonderland

Movie Quote of the Day

-Sometimes a little discomfort in the beginning can save a whole lot of pain down the road.

-Flipped

T.V. Quote of the Day

We only see two things in people, what we want to see and what they want to show us...

-Dexter

Rewind

Do you remember the times in which you played a song over and over again so you could sing from the top of your longs and cry along with it? Well if you never did it you totally suck!! This is the ultimate way of suffering and/or getting over a lost love. It is also a way to remember something special... it is call melancholy!... Gosh! I thought my high schools years were over and here I am, playing a song, over and over again, remembering, wondering "what if..." It is a little embarrassing to admit that I kinda like this. Call me a masochistic if you like... the thing is; I really don't have a problem admitting that I have a super soft spot that I am afraid to show to people, and that is why, sometimes I have to find a place of refuge, call it the bath/shower and/or the bedroom and cry... hoping that after doing so (you know, crying, thinking, analyzing, singing along) all the things/emotions I've kept hidden from others to see, will stop being a burden... It is my way to let it all out and, hopefully, move on.

For a while therapy worked, but in all honestly I don't need it. I know exactly what is going on with me, what I want, and what I'm looking for. The things I need to work on and the things I need to recognize myself for. So that is why I had to quit the formal "doctor patient therapy" and find another/better alternative... like RETAIL THERAPY!! I figured that instead of paying someone to listen to me that, in the end, was going to say things I already know and I was better off buying pretty things for me!!... OK OK let's be realistic, it is probably not the best solution either, but MAN!! it feels sooo good to buy beautiful stuff that I don't really need but I want... like SHOES!!! A therapist would say that I am filling with shoes/stuff the emptiness I feel inside... and it's probably (surely!) true. But I already know that, and that gives me points... right?

Play time!!

On Friday Night first came the Genie (which was a guy btw) and the Chilean miner. The Military guy and AVATAR (so awesome!) came after but then Iron Man showed up and kicked everybody's butt!... And on Saturday night the rest of the Chilean miners joined in, along with the Ninja Turtles and a hand full of Lady Gagas. The Clockwork Orange crew appeared and Waldo was seen everywhere. Indiana Jones and Hugh Hefner sat at the bar while Sue Sylvester abused a drunken Mariachi dancing on stage!

It was the best Halloween weekend!! I think I'm falling in love with New York!

T.V. Quote of the Day

-You will never get to fix the past, all you can do is get as far away form it as possible...

-Royal Pains

T.V. Quote of the Day

When we say things like "people don't change" it drives scientists crazy, because change it's -literally- the only constant in all of science. Energy matter is always changing; morphing, merging, growing dying. It's the way people try not to change that's unnatural... the way we claim to what things were instead of letting them be what they are, the way we claim to old memories instead of forming new ones, the way we insist on believing, despite every scientific indication, that anything in this life time is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change; that's up to us... it can feel like death or it can feel like a second change of life...

-Grey's Anatomy

To Be or not to Be...

The summer is over. I don't know what happened to it. Where did it go!!!??? Time really flies...

So many things have happened, so many things I've done and yet, I feel like nothing has change. I feel a little stuck. My mind feels stuck regardless of how much I've done this summer... I've made friends, lost friends, gone therapy, given up therapy, talked to psychics (I know I know!), gained weight, lost it all again, dated (quite a lot to my surprise, and not precisely the on-line dating site I joined... the site is far less fun of what I thought it was going to be), worked a lot, then a little, had lots and lots of fun (once again to my surprise, and in many many different ways...), my brother and his love stayed with me for a week (which was such a relief... family is what stays with you when everything and everyone else is gone... right?), painted my apartment over and over (let me tell you that I, literally, painted my sorrows away... and thank goodness for that!), got a new bedroom set, met someone, fixed the bathroom like three times (and you don't really wanna know about this... I'm handy!) started yoga (let's see how long will this one last) got tanned, went to the beach, went to the park, went to see Chicago (finally!), went to see Romeo and Juliet at the park, went to concerts, went to Mexico six times... and the list goes and goes. I can almost assure you that I've done much more in the past six months than what I did in one year and a half. I've surrounded myself with people and activities, and yet, I don't feel like I've moved and done so much... AND I don't even understand why I feel this way... why don't I feel like writing on my blog anymore, which gave something to look for in the past months...?

Do I need a bigger change or I need to do less but thorough...? One foot after the other? One day at the time?

What is it that I'm really looking for but I'm not finding?

-Another job?

-Another city?

-A friend?

-A bond?

-All of the above.

-None of the above.

-...???

Love? No no no no no no...

... I don't think that's in the stars... yet.

Movie Quote of the Day

-All energy is only borrowed and one day we have to give it back...

-Avatar

Rebound Chicken Soup

"Un clavo saca a otro clavo"

(Translation: A nail takes another another nail out.)

Does it... really?

A few years ago a guy I dated (he was more like my rebound from LG) called Serge, confided me how he ultimately had gotten over "the one"... He... you know... her MOTHER!

OK, I know that I just should have gotten out RUNNING from this guy after this confession, but to be honest; I was fascinated by this... It takes REAL cold blood to do such a shitty thing... Doesn't it?

Serge and "the one" dated for quite some time. Products of prominent families, they were immediately smitten by each other when they met. She was beautiful, smart, rich... such a catch, just like he was... They became the Jolie-Pitt couple of their society. Destined for Greatness. Destined for Marriage.

For what I understand a couple of years went by when things went south. I can't remember the exact story, but apparently one faithful night she went out dancing with her new college friends without telling Serge about it... which in my opinion is kind of dumb. MY POINT: If you are in long and serious relationship with someone, and you are ANGELINA dating BRAD PITT living in a city of 303,500 habitants approximately, you tell HIM you are going out dancing with your friends, right?... Not only Serge ran into her at the night club (classic "pueblo chico infierno grande" situation), he did so when she was dancing "in a bizarre way" with one of her new closest GUY friends... FYI, if you are the alleged "The Brad Pitt" of your town in Mexico and you find "your woman" dancing, a little too close with ANOTHER man, is the ultimate betrayal...kinda funny right?

Some time had passed after the "Break Up of the Century" (Hahaha, it cracks me up really!) when Serge ran into his almost mother in law. She was a beautiful middle age woman, divorced of course, looking for some... I don't know... FUN!!?? It was almost as if he was served on a silver platter...

They fooled around during his last weeks before going to Harvard University, and as a goodbye present she bought for him a Cartier watch. You know how the cartier watch box is/was like opening a two door closet? OK! check this out, this woman allegedly said to him: "I am giving you this so every time you open the box you think about us, on one side is my daughter and I'm on the other side, and we both HAD you... like this box has this watch inside"

I honestly can't tell you if he was for real when told me what she had said.

Rumors went around about about the affair and in one occasion Serge was caught talking in a rather provocative way to this woman by his ex... He actually had the nerve to phone her from abroad and his ex picked up the phone, from another room, and heard something... not at all sufficient to prove anything unfortunately. Until this day Serge has denied any wrong doing.

FACTS:

-Serge had a smirk on his face when told me about this. He expressed "regret" in his actions but "what happened" helped him to go on with his life... such a DOUCHE BAG don't you think?

-The mom is a SKANK (could not find a better word... sorry!) in my opinion... please, you just don't do this to your daughter.

I BELIEVE Serge did not regret any of this. I observed enjoyment when he was telling me the story. Such a Macho thing... yuck!

What is the lesson here...?

I've gone out with a couple of guys since my break up. Nothing really happened. Nothing really change in my heart. They did not feel right... or should I say that I did not feel a thing...?

It's almost like time has not passed... almost like it was yesterday when I left... Although I no longer cry myself to sleep, nor I cry first thing in the morning when I wake up... I guess I've gotten used to the emptiness in my house, in my heart... that's all there is.

My rebound chicken soup did not work... Is there really a rebound chicken soup? Is there more than one rebound?

Movie Quote of the Day

-...Are we unhappy or we are just pretending to be unhappy?

-What do you mean?

-Are we just pretending to be unhappy to add drama to our lives so do we seem, somehow, more substantial?

-Paper Man.

The Dating... Site? Part#2

Lets view more in depth my personality type, the Negotiator/Explorer

With Negotiator as my primary type, I can be:
-"Good at seeing the big picture.
-Empathetic.
-Imaginative.
-Trusting.
-Intuitive.
-Introspective.
-Skilled verbally"**1) chemistry.com

With Explorer as my secondary type, I can be:
-"Novelty seeking.
-Flexible.
-Impulsive and spontaneous.
-Open-Minded.
-Curious.
-Energetic.
-Creative"**2)chemistry.com

And, basically, this is what I was told about myself:

"You see the big picture. You easily take the broad, long view of almost any topic. You are comfortable juggling myriad facts. You tend to synthesize material easily and think in webs of factors, not straight lines. You are imaginative and enjoy ideas. You are also socially savvy. You are good at both talking and listening. And you generally read people's faces, body postures and tone of voice accurately, so you often intuitively understand what people want and need.You are also highly compassionate. You care deeply about others. So you are inclined to make personal sacrifices to be a supportive friend and colleague. And you are idealistic and altruistic; you like to work to improve the world. And you have an adventurous side; you enjoy new ideas and novel experiences and you want to share these with an enthusiastic partner. But you are particularly fond of people who are direct, decisive, focused and tough-minded, people who complement your more flexible, agreeable and affable style"**3)chemistry.com

This is how I relate to others in love and relationships:

"Relating to others as a Negotiator, you seek a spiritual, life long connection to a "true love". But you don't want someone who is emotionally dependent. You admire people who need a good deal of autonomy. Marriage is important to you; but the social pledge of matrimony is far less sacred than the personal commitment you privately make to your beloved. You strive for harmony in your primary relationship. So you express your love regularly - with hugs, thoughtful presents, romantic weekends or by creating other special times together. And you want a mate who is daring, playful and adventurous, yet one who will balance you - someone who is calm, decisive, strong-willed, focused and supportive of your enthusiastic, caring and imaginative spirit.

In love and relationships you dislike conflict. You seek "win-win" solutions. You are good at sharing power and ideas. And you are a master at the art of intimacy - building deep and exciting relationships with others. Nevertheless, you often enjoy solitude or intense interactions with just one individual or a few close friends. And you particularly enjoy people who like to play with abstract theories and ideas, provide insights, search for symbolic meanings in life and relationships and have a broad interest in the world"**4)chemistry.com

And of course here are the bad/negative things I have to be aware of:

"-Because you can see so many angles to an issue or decision, you can be indecisive.
-Your need to please can make you placating and your trusting nature can make you gullible.
-When you feel betrayed you can be unforgiving and hold a grudge too long"**5)chemistry.com...

Movie Quote of the Day

-...After all, if I cannot change when circumstances demanded, how can I expect others to.
(Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela).

-Invictus.

The Dating... Site? Part#1

So a few weeks back I signed up for a dating site... And this was not my first attempt to be completely honest with you.
Right after my break up I got an e-mail from e-harmony (classic case of junk mail that slips into my inbox!), and decided to get my personality test and to "review my matches for free". It took me about three days to complete the personality test and when everything was up and running... I bailed!!
I got many e-mails from the site informing me that Tom, Paul, David (there is always a David), Justin, Ron, etc, etc, etc, were my matches and wanted to get to know me... just needed to become a member (pay them quite a bit) so I could see their pictures and such!! It overwhelmed me!!!. Too much, too many, too soon. 1)It is not cheap, 2)they do not really let you review your matches for free because you have to pay to see their profiles (they just give you names for free), and 3)felt a little dishonest with some of my answers. I know I'm a happy positive person, but I have not been 100% myself lately. Not even 50% myself. Some of the questions are like this: How have you been feeling this month? Answers (options): Happy, Depressed, etc, etc... you see? I've been able to keep me a float and that is pretty much it... and definitely don't want to tell every single stranger that I might go out on a first date with that I've been, mostly, depressed and crying myself to sleep for the last months beforehand...

In the months that followed that first attempt; I started receiving e-mails from other dating sites, such as match.com and, particularly, from chemistry.com. I guess one day I was needing some sort of attention and decided to do it. Did a little research on the site chemistry.com (a research that lasted about ten minutes) and got my personality test and my matches for free. However, this time I was able to see the pics and profiles of my matches, and what I liked the most was the approached on the personality test. Not that many questions (some seem kinda silly to be honest) and when you are done, they tell you in which category you fall into, and how you "click" with your matches.
There are four personality categories and we all (I think) have traits of the four. Mine goes like this:
-Negotiator: 31%
-Explorer: 27%
-Builder: 21%
-Director: 19%
After reading my results, things made some sense in my mind about my personality (not too far off), and after a very careful thought (that lasted about five minutes), singed up for six months! (My secondary personality type kicked in on this one... you see?!!... and it was not expensive)

In the site I am advertised as my primary type... The Negotiator! And I don't know if it's because I am a negotiator, or because we (all personalities) could be compatible with everyone on different levels, or just because it's just a bunch of bull (I am a little overwhelmed already), they pair me with every single personality out there on the site. I don't know if they just send me "my matches" or they send me everybody in the whole entire system!! I don't even read my matches, they are just too many. I just kinda read the ones that have an interest on me... and I say kinda because if I don't like the pic I just click "not interested"...

Movie Quote of the Day

-... When you love someone you love all of them that's the job!

- I know that now.

- I'm so sorry! And now please, you gotta love everything about them, not just the good things but the bad things too. The things that you find lovable and the things that you don't find lovable...

-Valentine's Day

I'm not crazy. I'm just___ (fill in the blank)

Sorry I have been away. After all that dirt that got stirred up again (you know him calling my Dad blah, blah, blah!!) I've been doing a lot of traveling to see my family (It was my birthday this week and could not bare hanging out in my ghetto neighborhood all by myself!!) and a LOT of hating (hate talking, hate e-mailing, hate dreaming)... Man!... I don't know, maybe it's just a lot of pain disguise in hate. It's such a draining feeling. Maybe I am fairly angry because he had the balls to be so coward! That's right, as crazy as this may sound...
I've been trying to finish the story "Game Over" that I started almost two months ago but I've been physically (literally) unable to do so. Right now, every time I think about the "wonderful relationship" with Mr. P I gag, feel nauseous... I just don't know from where am I going to get the strength to keep on going on with my life. I had forgotten how much hatred can be felt for someone once so dear... "I'm a good person I'm a good person" I tell myself everyday but being deprived from saying, face to face, the things I wanted to say, has proven, once again, too much to bare.

The other day I was talking with a new friend I manage to make on the 4th. of July ( of course after one too many margaritas I spilled the beans about my blog... not the best first "getting to know you" conversation). Tate pointed out, after reading my blog, that it almost seems like I'm obsess with my ex since I live in a such vibrant city with so many things to do and so many other people to talk about... And it got me thinking (and a bit concerned)... Do I really sound like the typical crazy woman? WOW! Reality check!! (always appreciated though).
Somehow (after doing a lot of thinking) I arrived on the following thought: if I was a guy, talking about the same things I talk about here, girls would love me sooo much I could get laid with a different one every night for sure!!! Handsome guys (If I were a guy I would be drop dead gorgeous!!) with broken hearts are such a catch. Beautiful girls (you know I'm pretty:-) with broken hearts are often misjudged (I think)... Anyhow, this is besides the point. The REAL point I'm trying to make here is that somehow along the way I failed to mention -sooner- a small but very important detail which is that I moved to New York BECAUSE of my ex. And if you think about it, a lot of my pain, anger, craziness, solitude, etc, etc. make a LOT of sense (Once I'm able to finish "Game Over" this feelings will make much more sense... hopefully). If I was still living in Los Angeles, where I was happy and comfortable on my own, it would have been waaayyyy easier. I guess it never crossed my mind that we were going to break up. Cocky of me... or just frigging "I'm sooo in love" stupidity... Stronzo di Merda!!! I should have seen it coming. I have no excuse... It's like LG happening all over again!

Movie Quote of the Day

-... I would rather die a man than live for all eternity as a machine.

- Why do you want this?

- To be acknowledged, for who and what I am. No more no less. Not for a claim, not for approval. But the simple truth of that recognition. This is been the elemental drive of my existence and it must be achieved if I am to live or die with dignity.

-Bicentennial Man.

Fast Perfect Puppy

I believe that we have become an "instant gratification" type of society. In almost everything we see and almost everywhere we go you can find examples of this: "The instant miniskirt workout", "See results in 30 days or your money back... Guaranteed!!!", "It's my money and I want it NOW!!"... And then of course we got the express line, express lane, fast food, fast relieve, all inclusive, ATM, high speed Internet, microwave, 15 min dinner, 3 min at night, etc, etc, etc. And like you I love most of this stuff. Technology -progress- has made our lives much more easier and yet, our minds seem to want/like/need complicated.

Last week Mr. P called my dad... MY DAD! If you are not Mexican you should know that calling The Father is not a slight thing to do. For us signifies more than want I can put down in words... Apparently Mr. P just wanted to find out if I was doing well since we had cut any type of communication for months. When my father, which happens to be the coolest dad in the whole wide word, called me to tell me about the brief chat; I started crying immediately. The only thing my Dad was able to tell me (we talked for about four min.) was that I should talk with Mr. P.
For two days I actually did not know what to do with that information, it was like the Pandora box broke open and I wanted to know, needed to know its contents... So I text him, offer a truce, and told him we needed to talk. In person. I'm not going to lie to you, something in my heart lit up. I've been in the dark for so long that I needed to follow this spark of light... but soon it was put out. Mr. P just wanted to stay in touch with me through e-mail, to make sure that "I'm doing well" regardless of how upset I am with him. He could not talk to me nor see me yet. He's been "missing me so much" that did not want to send me mixed messages... The so called "soul I'm in love with" can be truly cruel. When we broke up I pointed out that he liked complicated. Even simple tasks he would turned them into something. And probably this is why he was always looking for something wrong in me or to work on me... since I enjoy simple things in life and cannot function with complicated. His response? "Maybe I don't need a puppy that is going to roll over every time I say so..."

I'm not so far from Mr. P. I complicate my mind/life by wanting to be in love with his soul, by not moving on. But, with all my heart and strength I got left tell you this: I REFUSE to be his instant message gratification. I REFUSE to his forever and ever terms and conditions. I REFUSE to stay in touch with someone who is not willing and able, even if I "love" his soul...

I'm back to square one, but knowing this: I'm NO ONE'S PUPPY!!!

The Way To The Soul

How do you get over someone's soul? I beg of you!! Tell me!! (mexican drama...) I need to know how.

A few weeks ago a dear friend from Mexico and her boyfriend were visiting New York. I was able to see them the night before they left for a yoga camp somewhere in New Mexico (I think). After a few wine glasses the conversation steered to my favorite topic: My big old fat frigging break-up of course! Even after three months every time this topic comes up I cannot help but to cry a little, you know, get a little choked up and a shed a couple of tears (believe it or not I am making progress with the crying thing). I guess my blunt sincerity about my feelings and doings AND most importantly, the similarities between the relationships (you know, she's Mexican, I'm Mexican, he is American, my ex too...) made them feel comfortable enough to share their own problems in their relationship with me. It was enlightening to hear them talk. Somehow, even with their big differences, huge I should say, they have found common ground. And why have them found this common ground? Because she knows he is a good person, and he is in love with her soul. IN LOVE WITH HER SOUL! He actually said those exact words!! Damn yogis!! (not really)... my progress about crying back pedaled all the way back to freaking March when I used to cry because the FLY flied by!!
It's easy to like someone, but to actually like and love someone's soul... that belongs to a first division game level.

Now that all my anger is almost gone I've come to realize that I was in love with Mr. P's soul. I'm still in love with his soul. He was far from perfect and we had differences but nothing that we could not work out... that was what I thought anyway.
Realizing the above has been harsh. Let's face it. I'm in deep shit. Going out with me is no joke. I compare everything and everyone with Mr. P. I used to think I was picky but know I have a whole new repertoire of no nos, some learned with Mr. P:
-Not recycling (big no no).
-To not care about the waste that is produced (this one is looong and it has many subtopics).
-To not watch documentaries.
-Not being interested in human behavior (also subtopics).
-Not having consideration (also long, also subtopics).
-To not care for organic foods.
-To invite me to sushi days after watching "The cove" with me!!!! (still no sushi for me), etc, etc, etc.

Do I really got a chance?... Or someone?

Another One Down!

Human connexions are lost everyday, and sometimes the ending isn't pretty... or should I say "NEVER pretty".
My "friendship" with T.J. (remember him from the oxytocine post) ended today. Officially. And it wasn't pretty!.
About a year ago, after T.J gave me a workout session, we became "friends" And I keep saying "friends/friendship" between quotes because he was more of an acquaintance to me. Never outside of the gym, just with the occasional texting right after chatting. In my mind a friendship was ruled out almost immediately. The reason? He liked me to be more than a friend.

Right after Mr. P and I went caputs, my relationship with T.J. quickly grew outside of the gym. He gave me his undivided attention (needless to explain how much I love receiving WANTED attention... a baby child thing I suppose). There were phone calls, texts, dinners, etc, etc,... (no hanky panky though!)... The problem with all this attention was (there is no better way to say it really) that it was coming from T.J. I wanted attention, needed attention, but from someone else. There were no butterflies in my stomach, no desire, no curiosity, no nada frankly... Often times I question myself: why couldn't I like him in that way? He gave me all the right attention and said, pretty much, all the right things... and still, I was not feeling it. As the time passed by, also realized that I could not maintain the friendship any longer (for various reasons)... How do you tell someone, without an apparent reason, that you no longer wish to stay friends?... so I decided to do what a normal grown-up does... HIDE!. How did I hide? By being short in any type of communications we had (texts mostly) and by being busy. REALLY busy.

I believe that we are all capable of feeling when someone is hiding something, lying or just not being completely forthcoming. He knew something was up, and I, by not wanting to explain myself, made the situation a little sticky. He basically called it on me... by text of course (Don't you love the 21st. Century technology... frigging annoying!!). I could try to defend myself and say that he was a little out of line. We only had been "friends" for a short period of time anyway so, why did I have to explain myself?. He could have called me to tell me what he thought instead of texting me about it (I'm not a fan of using text messages as a means of communication to have a conversation nor a fight!). He could have been cool about it and just let it go (he is five years older), or could have done, I don't know, whatever!... But you know what? At the end of the day I did kinda lie and I did kinda hide. Showed/gave him attention and, pretty quickly, took it away.

Looking back at his reaction, I couldn't help but to find myself in those actions as well. Doing and reacting in very similar ways when something smelled fishy to me and/or when my mind could not understand the WHY?... So I too am guilty of having behaved annoyingly!-particularly in the months after my breakup-... The only real reason (or excuse... don't know actually) I can think/say in my defense is this: I'd rather have walked away from this "friendship" with my reasons tucked away in my pockets appearing being a bitch, than to be a real bitch.

Movie Quote of the Day

-Do you think I've gone around the bend?

-I'm afraid so. You are mad, bonkers, off your head. But I tell you a secret, all the best people are...

-Alice in Wonderland.

BLOG UPDATE!

The post titled Hot Tamales used to be Game Over Part# 2... Therefore Game Over Part# 2 it's a new post... Don't miss it!

Game Over Part# 2

I've come to realize three important facts:
1.- I'm awesome at dating when I'm not interested on dating.
2.- I'm not too bad at dating when I am introduced to someone.
3.- I'm terrible at dating (bit of a moron at times) when I meet someone randomly.
One of the things I used to do when I first started dating was to double book myself. Juggling with two guys was such a revelation. I remember always been cool, calm and collected. If number one canceled (there is always a #1) there was always #2. And if they were both available, no sweat. One for lunch, the other for dinner (yikes!)... or would cancel one last minute. This worked for me wonderfully and the reason it did, I think, was because in the end I didn't really care... and I had OPTIONS!
When I first started dating my ex, Mr. P; I would still go out on other dates. Don't get me wrong. I liked the guy but my situation was particularly different at that time because:
1.- I didn't completely care about dating yet.
2.- I had been happy AND single for the longest time (thanks to friends and family).
3.- I had two jobs and worked out religiously (you know, endorphins!)
4.- We did not live in the same city.
The whole thing was so casual that when it became clear that I really liked the guy (OK, 80% liked the guy), my mind started with the what ifs, like: "what if I get hurt" or "what if there is someone better for me out there"... (a.k.a. sabotage). I basically freaked out... and broke up with him...

Hot Tamales

In the last several months I've been asking for something I rarely do: A Peace of Mind.
Normally when I talk to God I ask the usual stuff: "please take care of my family" or "please give me health" and so on. But lately, man, I could really use some Peace of Mind. About four months ago I got into a fight with my best friend of 12 years... I seriously don't want to go into the details (they are as stupid as you can imagine), but I really really thank God that we have been friends for so long. She just stood there and said: "Karlita, I'm not going to get mad. I know you... you are just going through some shitty times..." Of course I spent the next week apologizing to her. Also, about a month ago, I almost ended up at the police station in Acapulco Mexico, because of a traffic violation. I decided to get into an argument with the police officer, not a good idea... EVER! Again, thank God my mother (who was with me along with my Grand Mother) has a boyfriend who happens to be friends with the Chief Police Officer of this town. As soon as she dropped the name things cool off and he, finally, let me go... and without a ticket. Everybody in the car was so scared! My Mother (again thank God... this is getting old!) had the same reaction as my best friend.
The negative side (ok, it's all negative) of this Hot Head I'm sporting is that I'm doing it to the new people in my life... therefore, just as easy as they come, they are gone. And, really, there is no way I'm going to try to convince them that I'm usually not this loquita. So, all I can do is pick up the pieces, apologize, look up, and stay out of their way hoping that one day I would get a second chance to make things right...

Game Over Part#1

To "date" is one of the most difficult things for me to do. Even after being in this country since 2002 the dating scene is an art that I can't seem to be able to master. To me feels like learning another language that without practice is forgotten. Growing up, dating meant having a boyfriend. I never dated the "American way" until after my divorce with LG (short for La Garbage!!) in 2004 (the divorce was actually final in 2005)... kinda late if you ask me. The only time my "dating game" got pretty good -actually awesome- was when I was not interested on dating. It amused me to go out with someone and never call him again... or answer his phone calls! It sounds pretty bad, but what can I say; I had gotten so heart broken that I was done with love... DONE! Made fun of love, couples, corny movies, marriage (for love of course), fidelity... everything that had to do, or was related with love for many years. My only concern was having fun and having, well, just sex (OMG!!). No strings attached. Friendships with benefits. It was a very convenient life... did not have to worry/care about The Other. Just me, me, and me. I couldn't help but to wonder why romantic relationships felt so unnatural to me. I was sure I would never, ever, be able to love again... born alone, die alone was my motto...and still is to some extent... During this time went back to school and threw my self into my books, classes, activities, and also worked super hard (every weekend, Thu- Sun; I would drive for an hour -or more- to Dublin Pleasanton, Northern CA. Park my car, and then ride the Bart for about 1:30 min to SFO to start working at 9:30 am). This period was also filled with uncertainty: I did not know if I was able to stay in this country (I left LG before two years of marriage which are basically REQUIRED by Immigration), so any kind of long commitments were out of the picture. And with all this things going on, little by little; I started getting closer and closer to my immediate family, which was the only type of love and support that I fully understood...

Bumpy Ride

I dread the bus/train ride from work back to my place. The thought of coming back home to an empty bed is, oftentimes, unbearable... it makes me want to jump in front of a moving train!... Sometimes when I'm at the station I like to stand, eyes shut, giving my back to the train tracks. Then, when I hear the train approaching and getting closer to me, I open my eyes, quickly turn around and face it. I like to feel the force of its velocity. I like to feel the wind traveling furiously through my hair, through my skin... I can't help but to wonder how it would be to be gone, just like that... I know I know, pure 100% Mexican soap opera drama nothing less... I guess I'm just another loony lost in New York City... Anyway; I promise I do this safely behind the yellow mark on the platform. Even when I REALLY wanted to check out early, back in 2004 and 05, always knew I couldn't... I did pray every night and asked God to let me not wake up in the morning... and well, still here several years later!! Death thoughts are, by no means, new. I think they go way back to my high school years and go away when I feel I'm the Queen of the hill (such a Sinatra thing to say)... for the most part. They are normal, aren't they? The thought of me dying doesn't scare me really, what scares me is the thought of losing someone.

A friend at work once told me that an abrupt breakup like mine is very much like dealing with death because is gone, over, finito, no mas! It was my decision not to stay in touch and let me tell you, going from having it all to nada, is like flying over the Andes range (Cordillera De Los Andes) in Chile, where sometimes the turbulence is so severe that makes you loose your breath and heart beats... Frigging scary!!

The Make-Up Issue Part#3

What is it -really- To Do Better?? My parents always tell me that I can do better in almost every aspect of my life, but they also see that what I do and have done in my life is something they can feel proud of. They understand that what they think is best does not necessarily mean is what I think is best... basically, they just want to see me happy, whatever that means for ME. Sometimes there are criticisms and disagreements, but what mostly exists is understanding and respect for one another. The idea of happiness is not the same for everyone ... I feel lucky to have had people in my family that, as long as I did no wrong to others, allowed me To Be... Benito Juarez, Mexican president in the 1800, said "Among individuals as among nations, respect for the rights of others is peace" This is one of my favorites quotes!! "...respect for the rights of others..." This is wisdom.

I know He (Mr. P) wanted me to Do Better, to Be Better... unfortunately it had to be what HE thought was better, meaning; I needed to continue learning IMPORTANT things, and this, my friends, it also meant what He thought was important... Me wanting to pursue a career in Makeup (we discussed it) was not going to make me better and was not important... And I could go on and on with different examples like this one; bottom line, he wanted to control the reins of my life, without considering what made ME happy. I felt cornered, actually , WAS cornered...

Have you ever tried to trap a mouse? It runs and runs as long as It sees a way out, but once cornered, it attacks you!... it is actually trying to jump over you... that little thing, over you!
That´s what happened to me; I realized that no matter how much I compromised something else was going to come up. He was a bottomless barrel, like we say in Mexico, never satisfied...

The Make-Up Issue Part#2

When you are in a relationship you compromise. The problem with compromising is when one person happen to be the one doing it all the time... Makeup was first, shoes came next and clothes followed. I would often ask Him why... It was not like one day I wanted to look like Amy Winehouse! (clearly I am just referring to her overall appearance because I would love to have her musical gift). Still, I compromised thinking that in the end of the day; I was going to wear something out of my closet... but that was just the foundation for what followed. There was always something to complain about me: the type of books I like to read (particularly the ones with pink covers), the fact that I am not passionate about politics, the "too much free time" that the airline gives me, my "mediocre" part time job (which I got after a major fight about my "free time"), me wanting to have an easy going life... sometimes He would apologize and criticize himself for being so hard on me, sometimes would say "you are wasting your potential; I can see you doing great things..." I guess His apologies/comments made me believe He was really trying to be a better person (realizing He was being a pain in the butt), and that He just wanted me to see/believe that I could also be a better person/Do Better...

The Make-Up Issue Part#1

For an ex-model/actress is very refreshing to find someone who tells you that you look much more beautiful without make-up. Before I was a Flight Attendant the fashion/show business was my profession. Started modeling when I was 16 and by 20 graduated from one of the most competitive acting schools in Mexico. Every year about six thousand people apply, six hundred get to audition and only 60 get accepted. The secret? You have to have the looks they think could work on T.V and/or connexions.
After being in this circle for ten years (Yup! I was a career money oriented person once) I appreciate -very much- not to have to worry so much about my physical appearance... the amount of make-up I still put on (see profile picture) it's just what the average woman does, a little here a little there, just enough to accentuate my best features.
In the beginning, He would say occasionally "You are so beautiful without make-up" It was a compliment really, but somehow as our relationship grew, this became a little battlefield. He started asking me not to put on so much make-up (which was not much to begin with) when going out with Him, then started telling me that He didn't like it, that He did not feel attracted to me when I looked "Done Up"... One day while I was putting on some make up for my girls night out, He finally said to me: "Every time I see you putting so much effort in something so shallow; I wonder if we are really going to work out..."

Modern VS Traditional

Since I was a little girl I always knew something: If I did not know how to cook or clean nobody would want to marry me. My parents raised us in a very traditional way. My father was the one earning the money and my mother was the one taking care of the house... and us. I guess me, being the youngest, was the one that helped my mother around the kitchen the most. I actually remember having for toys kitchen stuff, mini food, and a baby equipped with bottles and diapers. The thing is I did not hate it. I loved it. I understood it I guess. When people would ask "What do you want to do when you grow up?" It was a no-brainer... a mommy! 30 years later I can tell you that I still have no desire in having babies, but discovered that I do want to have someone to share my life with... to cook for, to care for, to love... it does not mean I don't want to work (it would drive me crazy not to!). I enjoy being a Flight Attendant, and the part I like the most is that I get a lot of free time so I can be at home doing all the things I learned growing up. I'm not a career money oriented person and that makes me an outdated being in today's world... One of the biggest reasons for the break-up was this; me not wanting more challenges, and apparently, not having passions in life... In the only two therapy sessions we made this came up and the therapist explained that it's not like I have no passions in life, that my real passion is for my home.
I always thought that I was someone with very special traits that you don't really get to see anymore, but after being told that who I am, my essence, it's not good enough from the person I loved and cared for the most, makes me believe that there is no reason for my existence, just like a black and white T.V. that no body wants...

Hormone of Love

Oxytocin is the so-called hormone of love. Is the bonding chemical that is released during sexual orgasm in men and women... Today I was hanging out with my friend T.J. and he said to me that I'm having withdrawal symptoms, literally. He explained that when we fall in love/love someone our oxytocin levels arise; therefore we have that "feel good" sensation, and when we break-up with someone we love the oxytocin levels fall because we no longer have the stimulation (Him) that releases the hormone... "you have a broken heart emotionally and withdrawal symptoms scientifically..." Of course as soon as I came back home google it and found a lot information/studies related to oxytocin... I'm guessing that I really have no business in drinking right now; I'm usually a happy drinker, but right now alcohol is taking me to dark places I don't like... and then to have alcohol withdrawal on top of the oxytocin withdrawal!!! not fun! So I am going to try not to drink as much... I know I should say AT ALL, but that would not be realistic really, my will it's a little weak at the moment... In fact what I should be doing is getting me a prescription for oxytocin!!!... wouldn't be awesome?!

***---***

Sooo I think I'm still drunk from last night... drinking and drinking some more is the pattern... as usual in a break up... I'm down to 115 pounds (my normal weight is around 127) so every little thing it's a lot!... I'm a cheap drinker now!! Any takers??

ctrl+alt delete

I've been hiding in my room all day long today watching t.v. shows on-line... thank God for the Internet!! Earlier I was going through some boxes looking for envelopes when I found a couple of birthday cards He had given me... they went straight to the shredder!! and then, like total loony, started throwing away anything that had any kind of connexion with Him... and well the pictures in my computer were no exception...DELETE, DELETE, DELETE!! It felt like flushing down the toilet the past three years of my life! What a freaking waste! another one, came and went, just like that... the thought felt like an elephant sitting on my chest so I decided to take the mail all the way to the post office... at least I was able to breath some fresh air for like half hour.
I'm really no stranger to breakups; I have been married before and that was a nightmare! was really young and naive (stupid actually!), and told myself that time NEVER AGAIN! and here I am, AGAIN!... I really thought I had found the one, we were making wedding plans and... suddenly He realized we wanted different things... in an exercise we did He stated that we had an 80% awesome relationship, and 20% not so much (but not horrible)... and somehow that 20% difference made Him think would makes us incompatible in 10 years... REALLY!!!

Not as good as I thought!

Today was not as good as I thought it would be. Started very strong, had my breakfast, went for a tan, went to check out a new gym and then right after that things started going downhill... I literally had to smack my face a couple of times in the subway, as soon as I felt tears in my eyes, to snap me out of it... This blogging thing it's kinda crazy to be honest. I don't even know how to tell my family about it. It's like coming out of the closet... I've always wanted to write something, but I definitely never thought that I would be blogging about my days after the break-up... What I can tell you for sure is that it makes me stop crying. Right before grabbing my computer (just minutes ago) I was sobbing while opening and shredding my mail (bank stuff mostly) that He had put together and mailed my way. As soon as I saw that manila envelope with his hand writing, it was all over for the brave face that I was trying so hard to put on. All day long I'm like "please don't cry, please don't cry" and have to start breathing like I am in a Yoga class so people don't stare at me when I'm out and about... who am I trying to kid, they stare as soon as I start the breathing thing anyway... Isn't that exhausting?

Nutella!

I just had a beautiful breakfast: French Toast with large amounts of Nutella, banana and Mexican coffee ( which basically is hot milk, instant coffee and sugar). Chocolate has been linked to serotonin levels in the brain... no wonder I have had the same breakfast for almost a week now. It makes me feel better... I think.
I've been acting like a crazy lunatic for the past weeks and finally decided that I need to see my therapist. I feel such a lame-o!!! I really don't want to cry or feel sorry for myself but sometimes I just can't help it. Moving from the Upper East Side (where I shared a place with Him, my ex) to Astoria, with two other roommates, has been a little traumatic!! Please don't get me wrong; I'm not snobbish in anyway, and Astoria turned out to be a good location, but going from my sky high, super modern, two bedroom, big closet spaces, elevator, doorman type of apartment, to my basement (literally!), no closet! and well... the roaches (that I discover after moving in) that say hello to me instead of a lovely doorman, have not made the transition any easier... In fact I just went to the bathroom and kill one... and poured a ton of Boric powder everywhere! I am now living the real New York life...