Modern VS Traditional

Since I was a little girl I always knew something: If I did not know how to cook or clean nobody would want to marry me. My parents raised us in a very traditional way. My father was the one earning the money and my mother was the one taking care of the house... and us. I guess me, being the youngest, was the one that helped my mother around the kitchen the most. I actually remember having for toys kitchen stuff, mini food, and a baby equipped with bottles and diapers. The thing is I did not hate it. I loved it. I understood it I guess. When people would ask "What do you want to do when you grow up?" It was a no-brainer... a mommy! 30 years later I can tell you that I still have no desire in having babies, but discovered that I do want to have someone to share my life with... to cook for, to care for, to love... it does not mean I don't want to work (it would drive me crazy not to!). I enjoy being a Flight Attendant, and the part I like the most is that I get a lot of free time so I can be at home doing all the things I learned growing up. I'm not a career money oriented person and that makes me an outdated being in today's world... One of the biggest reasons for the break-up was this; me not wanting more challenges, and apparently, not having passions in life... In the only two therapy sessions we made this came up and the therapist explained that it's not like I have no passions in life, that my real passion is for my home.
I always thought that I was someone with very special traits that you don't really get to see anymore, but after being told that who I am, my essence, it's not good enough from the person I loved and cared for the most, makes me believe that there is no reason for my existence, just like a black and white T.V. that no body wants...

Hormone of Love

Oxytocin is the so-called hormone of love. Is the bonding chemical that is released during sexual orgasm in men and women... Today I was hanging out with my friend T.J. and he said to me that I'm having withdrawal symptoms, literally. He explained that when we fall in love/love someone our oxytocin levels arise; therefore we have that "feel good" sensation, and when we break-up with someone we love the oxytocin levels fall because we no longer have the stimulation (Him) that releases the hormone... "you have a broken heart emotionally and withdrawal symptoms scientifically..." Of course as soon as I came back home google it and found a lot information/studies related to oxytocin... I'm guessing that I really have no business in drinking right now; I'm usually a happy drinker, but right now alcohol is taking me to dark places I don't like... and then to have alcohol withdrawal on top of the oxytocin withdrawal!!! not fun! So I am going to try not to drink as much... I know I should say AT ALL, but that would not be realistic really, my will it's a little weak at the moment... In fact what I should be doing is getting me a prescription for oxytocin!!!... wouldn't be awesome?!

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Sooo I think I'm still drunk from last night... drinking and drinking some more is the pattern... as usual in a break up... I'm down to 115 pounds (my normal weight is around 127) so every little thing it's a lot!... I'm a cheap drinker now!! Any takers??

ctrl+alt delete

I've been hiding in my room all day long today watching t.v. shows on-line... thank God for the Internet!! Earlier I was going through some boxes looking for envelopes when I found a couple of birthday cards He had given me... they went straight to the shredder!! and then, like total loony, started throwing away anything that had any kind of connexion with Him... and well the pictures in my computer were no exception...DELETE, DELETE, DELETE!! It felt like flushing down the toilet the past three years of my life! What a freaking waste! another one, came and went, just like that... the thought felt like an elephant sitting on my chest so I decided to take the mail all the way to the post office... at least I was able to breath some fresh air for like half hour.
I'm really no stranger to breakups; I have been married before and that was a nightmare! was really young and naive (stupid actually!), and told myself that time NEVER AGAIN! and here I am, AGAIN!... I really thought I had found the one, we were making wedding plans and... suddenly He realized we wanted different things... in an exercise we did He stated that we had an 80% awesome relationship, and 20% not so much (but not horrible)... and somehow that 20% difference made Him think would makes us incompatible in 10 years... REALLY!!!

Not as good as I thought!

Today was not as good as I thought it would be. Started very strong, had my breakfast, went for a tan, went to check out a new gym and then right after that things started going downhill... I literally had to smack my face a couple of times in the subway, as soon as I felt tears in my eyes, to snap me out of it... This blogging thing it's kinda crazy to be honest. I don't even know how to tell my family about it. It's like coming out of the closet... I've always wanted to write something, but I definitely never thought that I would be blogging about my days after the break-up... What I can tell you for sure is that it makes me stop crying. Right before grabbing my computer (just minutes ago) I was sobbing while opening and shredding my mail (bank stuff mostly) that He had put together and mailed my way. As soon as I saw that manila envelope with his hand writing, it was all over for the brave face that I was trying so hard to put on. All day long I'm like "please don't cry, please don't cry" and have to start breathing like I am in a Yoga class so people don't stare at me when I'm out and about... who am I trying to kid, they stare as soon as I start the breathing thing anyway... Isn't that exhausting?

Nutella!

I just had a beautiful breakfast: French Toast with large amounts of Nutella, banana and Mexican coffee ( which basically is hot milk, instant coffee and sugar). Chocolate has been linked to serotonin levels in the brain... no wonder I have had the same breakfast for almost a week now. It makes me feel better... I think.
I've been acting like a crazy lunatic for the past weeks and finally decided that I need to see my therapist. I feel such a lame-o!!! I really don't want to cry or feel sorry for myself but sometimes I just can't help it. Moving from the Upper East Side (where I shared a place with Him, my ex) to Astoria, with two other roommates, has been a little traumatic!! Please don't get me wrong; I'm not snobbish in anyway, and Astoria turned out to be a good location, but going from my sky high, super modern, two bedroom, big closet spaces, elevator, doorman type of apartment, to my basement (literally!), no closet! and well... the roaches (that I discover after moving in) that say hello to me instead of a lovely doorman, have not made the transition any easier... In fact I just went to the bathroom and kill one... and poured a ton of Boric powder everywhere! I am now living the real New York life...