Bumpy Ride

I dread the bus/train ride from work back to my place. The thought of coming back home to an empty bed is, oftentimes, unbearable... it makes me want to jump in front of a moving train!... Sometimes when I'm at the station I like to stand, eyes shut, giving my back to the train tracks. Then, when I hear the train approaching and getting closer to me, I open my eyes, quickly turn around and face it. I like to feel the force of its velocity. I like to feel the wind traveling furiously through my hair, through my skin... I can't help but to wonder how it would be to be gone, just like that... I know I know, pure 100% Mexican soap opera drama nothing less... I guess I'm just another loony lost in New York City... Anyway; I promise I do this safely behind the yellow mark on the platform. Even when I REALLY wanted to check out early, back in 2004 and 05, always knew I couldn't... I did pray every night and asked God to let me not wake up in the morning... and well, still here several years later!! Death thoughts are, by no means, new. I think they go way back to my high school years and go away when I feel I'm the Queen of the hill (such a Sinatra thing to say)... for the most part. They are normal, aren't they? The thought of me dying doesn't scare me really, what scares me is the thought of losing someone.

A friend at work once told me that an abrupt breakup like mine is very much like dealing with death because is gone, over, finito, no mas! It was my decision not to stay in touch and let me tell you, going from having it all to nada, is like flying over the Andes range (Cordillera De Los Andes) in Chile, where sometimes the turbulence is so severe that makes you loose your breath and heart beats... Frigging scary!!