Another One Down!

Human connexions are lost everyday, and sometimes the ending isn't pretty... or should I say "NEVER pretty".
My "friendship" with T.J. (remember him from the oxytocine post) ended today. Officially. And it wasn't pretty!.
About a year ago, after T.J gave me a workout session, we became "friends" And I keep saying "friends/friendship" between quotes because he was more of an acquaintance to me. Never outside of the gym, just with the occasional texting right after chatting. In my mind a friendship was ruled out almost immediately. The reason? He liked me to be more than a friend.

Right after Mr. P and I went caputs, my relationship with T.J. quickly grew outside of the gym. He gave me his undivided attention (needless to explain how much I love receiving WANTED attention... a baby child thing I suppose). There were phone calls, texts, dinners, etc, etc,... (no hanky panky though!)... The problem with all this attention was (there is no better way to say it really) that it was coming from T.J. I wanted attention, needed attention, but from someone else. There were no butterflies in my stomach, no desire, no curiosity, no nada frankly... Often times I question myself: why couldn't I like him in that way? He gave me all the right attention and said, pretty much, all the right things... and still, I was not feeling it. As the time passed by, also realized that I could not maintain the friendship any longer (for various reasons)... How do you tell someone, without an apparent reason, that you no longer wish to stay friends?... so I decided to do what a normal grown-up does... HIDE!. How did I hide? By being short in any type of communications we had (texts mostly) and by being busy. REALLY busy.

I believe that we are all capable of feeling when someone is hiding something, lying or just not being completely forthcoming. He knew something was up, and I, by not wanting to explain myself, made the situation a little sticky. He basically called it on me... by text of course (Don't you love the 21st. Century technology... frigging annoying!!). I could try to defend myself and say that he was a little out of line. We only had been "friends" for a short period of time anyway so, why did I have to explain myself?. He could have called me to tell me what he thought instead of texting me about it (I'm not a fan of using text messages as a means of communication to have a conversation nor a fight!). He could have been cool about it and just let it go (he is five years older), or could have done, I don't know, whatever!... But you know what? At the end of the day I did kinda lie and I did kinda hide. Showed/gave him attention and, pretty quickly, took it away.

Looking back at his reaction, I couldn't help but to find myself in those actions as well. Doing and reacting in very similar ways when something smelled fishy to me and/or when my mind could not understand the WHY?... So I too am guilty of having behaved annoyingly!-particularly in the months after my breakup-... The only real reason (or excuse... don't know actually) I can think/say in my defense is this: I'd rather have walked away from this "friendship" with my reasons tucked away in my pockets appearing being a bitch, than to be a real bitch.